I have Windows 7 Ultimate from a torrent. It updates just fine all the time and I've never had any issues.I hope that 'any of this crap' doesn't include updating your os and installing an antivirus software, because then I would strongly suggest that you do so.
If you have a genuine version that you bought, I can understand your confusion. It's a very streamlined configuration to get the computer working when you don't have to work around Microsoft.