Tell them you're coming out of the closet. Gauge their reaction. If they seem accepting, tell them "Just kidding, but here's the real bad news, folks."
 
don't, put it behind the macaroni and glue heart which you made in kindergarten which your parents begrudgingly put on the fridge with magnets shaped like letters that spell out "DISAPPOINTED".
 
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An F how much percent is that less than 50? You will get more than 50 Whooping of your ass.
A C in reading hell naw learn to read the marks on your skin when I beat yo ass
That's what my mother would do to me if I had your grades.
 
I would simply say that you fucked up, you know you haven't done your best, infact you know you haven't done jack shit..apologize and say you'll try to do better. Be very self deprecating (that means insult yourself a lot...thought you might need the clarification (which means to make clearer) since you failed LANGUAGE ARTS HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE) but yes, be honest and admit your shortcomings before they have a chance to yell at you for them and maybe they won't murder you.
 
Or you could say something along the lines of:
Look, mum, dad, its not that I don't appreciate everything that you have done for me, It's just that I'm dissapointed in your lack of support over these last few years. If you had took the time away from your own interests for a while, you would have recognised that I was struggling in certain areas of my life.If you had paid attention to my needs a little more, we wouldnt be having this conversation now, hopefuly you will grow into the understanding parents that i should have come to expect, and you could start by giving me some encouragment on making some more of my life with these grades *hand the report over*
 
If you think they're going to flip shit about grades then you've got some good parents and I wish mine were like them.

They'll (hopefully) decide to focus on helping you on coursework, that's good - let 'em.

If you're getting bad grades because of some emotional thing go see a counselor.