*WARNING: TEXT MONSTER IMMINENT. TOXIC AND DOKI, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED*
Deployments coming soon
Going through the standard throughs. Talking with the big wigs from my squadron, giving me their safe passage, the old crusties of the squadron giving me their jaded demoralizing experiences, friends who haven't deployed yet gettin envious and saying how lucky I am. It'll be another big life shift though. So ends my point of being a prep student of the military and an actual real time asset for our troops abroad. It's an event so huge I can't help but let it redefine my identity. In a few months time I'll earn the right to be called a "Veteran" at the age of 22.
This is exciting and terrifying for me at the same time. I would imagine myself as a superhero or something silly when I was a kid. I would love video games like Mario and Star Fox to play out my fantasies of being a hero and destroying the dastardly villian. Now in about a month and a half that dream will become a reality, marching forward to a podunk wasteland of a country to destroy a terror in a cave my country has named "An unspeakable evil". My slaying of the dragon and my passage into godhood as that superhero I always wanted to be.
I think of these twisted images and also think to question them and their justice would be... unpatriotic. To think that the killing of an enemy for the good of your country is wrong is a crime close to getting yourself a court marshall. We have to forget such pleasentries of true peace, for none can exist so much as the enemy exists. As long as the enemy exists, my home is in danger, my friends are in danger, my lover is in danger. Whether I believe this is true enough is of no consequence. The "enemy" is the "enemy of all" in our eyes, that deserve no human kindness nor quarter.
I think this is the mentality of the soldier. This is my mentality as a soldier. But it is not MY mentality, it is the mentality of me as a soldier. It is my bulletproof vest to guard myself from the truth of legalized murder is still murder. It is my justification as a soldier to continue to fight so long as their is breath in my lungs and hope in my heart. This is our sermon we follow, and we sleep soundly at night because of it.
I don't know what'll happen though the first time I pull that trigger. Don't know if I'll feel the pride that the government has tried to instill in me these past years, or will I feel disgust. Will I feel shame. Will I feel guilty. Will I feel less than a human.
TL;DR
I'm worried about this deployment ._.
