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One big problem, and a few small ones.
Cut down on the "uhhs" . If you are having problems thinking while playing, do the game play and commentary second. This will also help because you will remember what is about to happen.

A few other things:
Get a recording progam that doesn't have a huge water mark
Go into offline mode on steam when recording (This way you won't get notifications)
Lastly, try to make it to where we can't hear your clicks.

P.S - Love the avatar. PM TTYD is one of my favorite games of all time.

Oh hey, someone that says "uh" more than dave.
 
You dont need to explain everything you do most people understand what is happening just try to be funny or interesting instead
 
In my books to be an effective commentator, you should find something to talk about during the the duration of it. Weither it be the gameplay itself (ex: a new wep comes out during an update) or such. or talk about current events, make jokes about things and try to do either really crazy skilled things in the game, or go all out retard in how you play. Create a style for yourself like star_ or Jerma. and yes, cut down on the "uhh" stuff :P
 
You need to talk with more dynamism. Don't let a large amount of silence fall in your video. Don't commentate on average things. Make yourself unique and individual.
 
  1. Need a better microphone
  2. Gameplay is stuttery and low FPS
  3. Uhhhhhhhhh
  4. Crack some jokes now and again
  5. and overall, have fun with the game, laugh when you die, try to find as much enjoyment as you can.