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[fanfiction] my one true friend

Discussion in 'Nsfw' started by DaivdBaekr, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. DaivdBaekr

    DaivdBaekr TF2 Admin Contributor


    >wake up early
    >get my bags n shit
    >BART my shit to the airport
    >flight's delayed and TSA gropes my balls
    >try to catch up on sleep during the flight
    >guy in the window seat next to me keeps getting up
    >someone set out a pokemon go lure on the airplane
    >half the airplane is out of their seats looking for pokemon
    >look across the aisle
    >some arab guy who looks really fed up
    >his eyes keep darting around
    >could it be
    >no no that would be-
    >he starts pulling something out of his vest
    >it's a cellphone
    >he starts playing pokemon go too
    >oh thank god
    >the airplane still smells like curry and ass the whole time
    >finally reach Cleveland
    >get my bags and order three $6 espressos
    >the time approaches
    >the GOP read my contributions to the donald trump thread
    >and they wanted me to speak at the convention
    >little did they know
    >i don't know shit about politics
    >gonna tell them all to watch madoka
    >and hope they don't lynch me
    >i'm up right after donald trump
    >what an honor
    >wade through all the protestors
    >they smell like vegan curry and astroglide
    >fucking ohio
    >flash my VIP pass
    >get into the convention center
    >smells like mayonnaise and saltines
    >everyone's playing pokemon go
    >they're not even going to listen to my speech
    >fucking shitty day
    >people keep putting ted cruz pins on me
    >get backstage
    >john mccain is there
    >"hi im john mccain"
    >"i know who you are"
    >"did you know i was in vietnam"
    >some boring guy finally finishes talking about rules or something
    >trump enters
    >that queen song about winning starts playing
    >waiting patiently for trump to finish his short speech
    >feel someone's breath on my ear
    >"hi im john mccain"
    >"jesus christ i know"
    >"i was in vi-"
    >mccain gets drowned out by applause
    >now's my turn, time to shine
    >take one step forward and immediately slip
    >try holding on to the stage curtain
    >curtain falls down with me
    >fall face-first in a puddle
    >john mccain is now revealed to the crowd
    >turns to the crowd
    >"hi im john mccain"
    >push the curtain off me
    >some security guy is there with us
    >"john mccain there you are"
    >"i was in vietnam"
    >"you're going to jail"
    >another security guy helps me up
    >what is on my shirt
    >smell it
    >"this is piss"
    >accidentally say it out loud
    >trump admonishes me
    >security starts carrying me away
    >all the cruz supporters in the crowd start yelling
    >crowd starts chanting "PISS!"
    >crying by this point
    >will never get to tell them to watch madoka
    >crowd sees me bawling for liberty
    >security lets me go and pushes me towards the stage
    >crowd goes wild
    >"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
    >i smelled my shirt a little again
    >threw up on shirt
    >"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
    >still a little teary
    >approach the podium
    >crowd goes silent
    >try to remember what i'm here to do
    >look toward trump
    >he nods
    >senpai noticed me
    >oh right my speech
    >pull a sheet of paper out of my coat pocket
    >"HAVE YOU GUYS..."
    >crowd leans in expectantly
    >"EVER HEARD OF..."
    >fox news camera zooms in
    >come on david you can do this
    >you didn't come here for nothing
    >look at the sheet of paper i have in my hand
    >it's a picture i printed of homura with a dick givin it to madoka
    >look out into the crowd
    >thousands of hopeful, pasty faces
    >and john mccain being lead away in handcuffs
    >they aren't ready
    >none of them are
    >put the paper back into my pocket
    >clear my throat
    >"have you guys heard of john mccain?"
    >people in the crowd start looking at each other
    >they're confused
    >look towards john
    >he's ecstatic
    >maybe the only joy he'll feel again
    >"john mccain, yes, he was in vietnam"
    >crowd doesn't understand
    >"the war, the one in vietnam"
    >crowd starts cheering
    >"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
    >spotlight pans to john mccain who is sobbing with tears of joy
    >"get on stage with me, john"
    >he gets the handcuffs removed and shows the crowd where vietnam is on a map
    >convention votes 70-30 to have john be the nominee with me as VP
    >we lose to hillary 4 months later
    >worst landslide in american history
    >mccain agreed to watch madoka but had a fatal heart attack after episode 3
    >his lawyer reads his will
    >he left me $50,000 and the honor of arranging his funeral
    >do a madoka themed funeral
    >everyone gets a copy of the blu-rays
    >most of the people there don't know what blu-ray is
    >get sent to the anime gulag after hillary's third term
    >trump shows up to my funeral

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