BadGuy
Server-Clearing Cynic
Hey guys. Its been a while. I think since one of my drunk rants was the last time under a pseoudonym? Been going through a lot. A lot a lot. If i remember I told y'all the docs diagnosed me with light PTSD. I entered into a depression dealing with... well everything that happened during. And being told I had PTSD, that I couldn't deal with people dieing during a mission, just set me off. I felt like i needed to push myself, just throw myself in my work and ignore all the depression and problems. I volunteered for another deployment, telling the docs i wasnt having any problems post, and did another deployment in Afhganistan.
So... I hit my wall that last trip. Everything that was wrong with me last deployment just magnified. All the pressure, the headaches and freak outs did not go away, that drive to be fucking captain America all the time when shit goes south, just got be too much. My command took care of me, got me set up with mental health guys, so... I'm just trying to accept it right now. Accepting that you can't save everyone, bad things will happen, thats the nature of war. Its still firmly implanted in my head though that I have to be better than that. Gotta give everything I got to keep everyone safe and alive. I can do better, I'm supposed to be able to protect everyone.
But... it's nice to talk about it. Don't feel like such a freak for feeling this way every time I talk to my friends or family. I would like to talk again, I think I'm straight done with TF2 though. Just bored with it, and wanting to play less time consuming stuff. Catswithtophats moved in with me and we're pretty happy and busy. she's been awesome in helping me come to terms with all this. But hey, I'm on steam. Or Playstation network if you're interested.
So... I hit my wall that last trip. Everything that was wrong with me last deployment just magnified. All the pressure, the headaches and freak outs did not go away, that drive to be fucking captain America all the time when shit goes south, just got be too much. My command took care of me, got me set up with mental health guys, so... I'm just trying to accept it right now. Accepting that you can't save everyone, bad things will happen, thats the nature of war. Its still firmly implanted in my head though that I have to be better than that. Gotta give everything I got to keep everyone safe and alive. I can do better, I'm supposed to be able to protect everyone.
But... it's nice to talk about it. Don't feel like such a freak for feeling this way every time I talk to my friends or family. I would like to talk again, I think I'm straight done with TF2 though. Just bored with it, and wanting to play less time consuming stuff. Catswithtophats moved in with me and we're pretty happy and busy. she's been awesome in helping me come to terms with all this. But hey, I'm on steam. Or Playstation network if you're interested.
